The Simpsons: The Marge amongst the Roses
by Dalekbuster523
Summary: When the Simpsons are scammed out of 1000, they must find a way to earn the money back. Meanwhile, Homer and Bart book a holiday to Kent, where Marge and Homer find themselves taking part in a dating contest.
1. Chapter 1: Never trust a Fanny

It was a rather uneventful day for the Simpsons. Bart's best friend Milhouse was on a low-budget holiday at Cheaplins, Lisa's saxophone was broken and currently being repaired at King Toot's music store, Marge found there were no chores to be done and Homer was barred from his beloved pub Moe's after he accidentally mistook Moe for Bart and nearly strangled him to death.

"Homer, we usually go on an annual holiday this time of year and nothing's booked," said Marge, preparing to give Homer her familiar grunting.

She was sat on the couch next to homer as the kids (including Maggie) laid in front of the TV watching Itchy and Scratchy.

"I thought it was your turn," he frowned in response.

"It was my turn last year!"

"Oh, do I have to book this year's holiday?" moaned Homer.

"Yes you do. It's not just my job to book the family holidays. And while you're at it, check my emails. I'm expecting a email from Fanny Chmelar,"

Bart laughed as Marge got up and left the room.

"That prank went so viral that it ended up on The Chase. And nobody knows that it was my prank!" Bart told Lisa.

"And let me guess, you sent that first email from Fanny Chmelar to Mum?"

"Actually, that wasn't me,"

Just as Lisa began to suspect her Mum had been scammed, Homer laughed and shouted "Hey, it says he's scammed us out of a thousand dollars. This Fanny guy sure is funny!"

"He's said what?" Shouted Marge, running back into the living room in a panic.

She looked at the email and let out an audible gasp.

"We've been scammed!"

* * *

Bart looked up towards the ceiling above, feeling a huge tinge of guilt at the prank he had done. This was all his fault. Had he'd never done the prank in the first place, he had a feeling his mum would never have been scammed. Now they were out of pocket. And for what? A bit of fun? Not fun anymore. Eventually, he fell asleep and began to dream. He dreamt he was behind bars as Homer, Marge and Lisa pointed at him accusingly through the bars of the prison cell.

"This is all your fault!" Homer shouted at him. "Isn't that right, Yes Guy?"

The Yes Guy appeared to the left of Homer, himself pointing through the bars at Bart.

"Er…Yessssssssssssss!" He replied.

"Hello, Bart," Said a familiar voice.

Bart turned round to find Sideshow Bob approaching him from inside his cell. Sideshow Bob got out a sharp knife and swiped at him ferociously, laughing manically at his own insanity.

"Arghhhh!" Bart screamed as he woke up, his heart pounding quickly.

* * *

"….and Sideshow Bob killed me," Bart explained to the rest of his family sat at the table in front of him. "I'm sorry, Mum. It's all my fault,"

"No it isn't, sweetie. You were only having a bit of fun," Marge reassured her son.

"Your mother's right, Hugo…er, Bart," Homer added.

"All that matters now is that we find a way around this financial situation. I suggest we go the library,"

You always suggest we go to the library, Sis," said Bart, rolling his eyes.

"But there might be a book about how to get out of bad financial situations,"

"And equally, there might be a cool website on the internet about how to kick ass on someone," Bart said.

"BART!" Shouted Lisa, disapproving of Bart's idea. "We're not attacking the spammer. And besides, how would we find out who it is anyway?"

"I don't know," Bart shrugged. "Blackmail?"

"Bart, that's illegal!" Lisa protested.

"Your sister's right. Nobody is blackmailing anyone. Now, me and Lisa will be going to the Library. Bart, you help your Dad book a holiday,"

* * *

Homer squinted at the price marked on a site entitled "Be on a show". He was looking at a apply page for a show called "Take me in", which was advertising £1000($1642 once converted by the Simpsons) to be paid to contestants.

"Hey, that's how we could get some money back!" Homer said to Bart, who was sat next to him.

"I thought we were supposed to be booking a holiday?" Bart said, confused.

"We could centre this around the holiday,"

"Homer, I hate to remind you but you have a wife already. Why do you need to go on a dating show?"

"Duh. The money, idiot. And besides, they don't know we're married,"

Bart laughed and said "Mum is going to love this!"

* * *

"We're back!" Marge called as she and Lisa walked through the door, carrying huge piles of books. "Did you get anywhere with booking a holiday?"

Homer strode excitingly into the hallway and shouted "Yes! The Simpsons are going to Kent!"


	2. Chapter 2: A shamble of shorts

"You've entered a dating contest?" shouted Marge angrily.

The Simpsons family were sat around the kitchen table once again, eating a meal consisting of chicken nuggets, peas and chips.

"Relax, Marge. I applied for a position for you too,"

This didn't seem to help much. Marge spat out her peas in shock and turned to face Homer.

"I thought we were a serious couple?"

"We are, honey. But this is the perfect opportunity to get the money we need,"

"No, it's another of your stupid, hair-brained schemes which always seem to get us into trouble. And if you think I'm still going to pick you to go on a date with, you can forget it!"

Marge ran upstairs angrily after doing her usual grunting of displeasure. Homer chased after her and watched as Marge slammed the door behind her. Homer opened the door and made to walk in but Marge slammed it again before he was able to enter.

"We can still have sex tonight, right?" Homer called through the door.

"No, you can forget it," Marge called back.

"Looks like it's just you and me in bed tonight," Homer said miserably to the pile of Duff bear cans next to him.

* * *

Marge didn't talk to Homer at all on their journey to Kent. Instead, she crossed her arms as if to prove a point and spent the entire car journey staring out of the window. Even when they arrived outside the hotel Homer had booked, Marge continued to stare at anywhere but Homer.

The hotel wasn't a particularly nice sight. It was made of wood falling apart with white paint peeling away from the wood underneath. The wooden door was leaning off it's hinges. The hotel looked almost like it had been broken into. The interior was similarly unpleasant. The floorboards creaked as they entered and walked up to a wooden table with a leg broken off, behind which was a shabby brown haired man who looked as though he hadn't shaved in ages.

"Hello," he said. "You stayings with us?"

Homer laughed.

"And I thought I was dumb,"

"Hey, it ain't ouwer faults. This ez hoetel oz homlez peoples," said the man, placing a key on the table.

"Perhaps you could live here?" said Bart, pulling his shorts down and showing off his butt.

"You means you can gives us a gud hom?"

Bart rolled his eyes.

"No, I mean you can eat my shorts,"

"We can?" he said in hope.

"You actually want to eat my shorts?"

"We homlez peoples wud happilee eet anythings,"

Bart shrugged.

"Okay, go ahead. I have plenty of shorts anyway,"

Bart chucked his shorts to the homeless man and he beamed as if Christmas had come early, holding them above his head as if he was holding some great piece of treasure.

"Hey, peoples! We haz sum foods!" he called and a large group of homeless people came hurrying towards them.

They began to tuck into the shorts as Homer grabbed a key on-top of the table. They walked across to one of the rooms and unlocked it.

* * *

Inside, they found a single bed covered in dust and wood shavings.

"How are we all supposed to sleep in one bed?" asked Marge.

"I thought you weren't speaking to me anymore?" said Homer.

"I wasn't speaking to you. I was speaking to Bart,"

"Squeeze in together, I guess," said Bart, shrugging.

The Simpsons all climbed into the bed and began to sleep under one single dusty duvet, sharing the same pillow and finding themselves unable to move, with Maggie crawling over their bodies like a spider scuttling inside a cave. The bed collapsed under their combined weight as the Simpsons lay still, not noticing more and more people entering their room and sleeping uncomfortably on top of them.


	3. Chapter 3: Kent in Kent

"How did you drive us to Kent, anyway? You can't drive in water!" Lisa asked as the Simpsons waked over to the family Sedan.

Homer shrugged.

"I don't know, why are you still nine?"

"I can't wait to see Kent Brockman skate into the stage entrance again!" Marge said excitedly as they entered the 'WOMEN Arena'.

They were going to see the ice skating show "Dancing On Fake Ice Placed Over A Stage Because For Some Reason We're Not Doing This At An Ice Rink". The show was based on the Channel 6 show "Dancing On Fake Ice(Because We Ran Out Of Budget)" and featured celebrities trying to(and sometimes failing) dance on ice.

* * *

The Simpsons walked down the stairs opposite the arena seats and down the row towards their seats to find four people already sat in them. Ned ,Edna, Rod and Todd.

"HA! I'm sat in Bart's seat!" Edna cackled.

"Now, Edna…er, this isn't giving the kids a good impression," Ned said. "What do you say we sit in the right seats?"

"No!" Edna looked shocked. "For once, I want the satisfaction Bart gets whenever I fail to notice he's stuck "Kiss me, Seymour" on my back,"

Principal Skinner gave a loud audible gasp from the seat behind them.

"I bought the engagement ring with the school's budget for nothing!" Skinner muttered to himself.

* * *

"Come on, Flanders. Move it!" Homer shouted.

"Er, I'm afraid I'm in a tight position here, Homer," Ned said nervously.

Homer thought for a moment then said "You know, the bible says 'Thou must move for thy neighbour',"

"What? No it doesn't!" Ned bellowed angrily.

"Daddy, is today a 'Be angry' day?" asked Rodd.

"I suppose it is, boys. Put on your angry faces. We're not stand-diddly-standing for this!"

"YAY!" The Flanders kids cheered, then realized they looked too happy and quickly began to show anger.

As they bent down to pick up protest signs, the Simpsons quickly slipped into their seats.

"You lose again, Mrs K!" Bart laughed, making the 'loser' symbol above his head.

* * *

The lights dimmed as Kent Brockman skated on stage. The song 'Breaking News' by Michael Jackson began to play as Kent Brockman danced with a beautiful blonde woman in purple clothes made of lycra. Kent suddenly let go of his partner as his arms began to wobble. He slipped and skidded into the stage entrance as his partner skidded down the other end.

"I'll help her!" Homer said.

"Homer, no!" Marge shouted.

"Marge, if this show has taught me anything, it's that if Mr Teeny can win a skating contest, then an ageing bald man can dance on ice with a hot girl wearing a very revealing outfit, with no skating experience whatsoever," Came Homer's reply.

Marge remembered why she was unhappy with her husband and grunted disapprovingly.

* * *

Homer jumped off his seat and ran onto the ice. He slipped and slid towards the helpless skater, grabbed her hand and began to dance badly across the ice. Bart looked away from the stage in embarrassment as Homer danced like a bear trying to do the moonwalk. When the routine finished, Homer accidentally pushed the skater away from him as he walked back towards the seats and she fell down the stage entrance, falling into Kent Brockman roughly.

"News just in: I'm being crushed to death by a beautiful young woman. If this is death, what a way to die!" Kent reported into earpiece.

Krusty walked on stage with Booberella, then realized he wasn't wearing his skates and fell roughly onto the ice. Booberella looked around nervously, not quite what sure to do.

"Er…We're going to have an interval now. In the meantime, you can find me by the stage door and look at my BOOBS . BOOBS! Alternatively, you can check out the adverts Channel 6 have cleverly woven into this arena show," Booberella announced.

A ambulance appeared on stage, it's wheels placed inside four large skates. Two medics got out and pushed Krusty onto a stretcher. Krusty was carried into the ambulance before the medics walked towards the front of the stage and cleared their throats subconsciously.

"Dancing On Fake Ice Placed Over A Stage Because For Some Reason We're Not Doing This At An Ice Rink is brought to you by Springfield General Hospital. Winner of the 'America's worst hospital' award!"

The medics entered the ambulance and drove it off stage.

* * *

Bolero blared out of the speakers as a tall, black-haired man skated on-stage and two other men pushed a wall prop across the ice.

The black-haired man skated into the wall and sang in a Essex accent "Oh dear, I appear to have walked into a brick wall".

A man and a woman dressed in smart black suits and trousers skated on stage towards the man, carrying a pair of dark-rimmed glasses.

"Then you better take these glasses. You should have gone to Spec-ruiners. Here, we can provide a wide range of glasses that probably won't last a week. We need the money to feed the company's ego, so we can keep making rubbish glasses and constantly making money from replacement ones,"

"Thanks, Spec-ruiners. Now I can see so much better. Why didn't I go there-re-re. Why didn't I go there-re-re. Thank you. You saved my head further damage,"

Spec-ruiners skated off-stage to massive applause and cheers of "We love you, Spec-ruiners!"

* * *

"That was amazing!" Enthused Marge. "I can't believe we got to see Disco Stu do the Waltz to 'Worst song ever' again. And Bumblebee Man's skate to 'Wrecking Stall' was better than the first time round!"

Bart rolled his eyes.

"I can't believe you like that lame excuse for a show. When they're not skating, they're peeking over the shoulders of the presenters like they're desperate for their fifteen minutes of fame and when they are skating, they're dancing to some cheesy song that most people would rather pretend didn't exist,"

"BART!" Shouted Marge, looking hurt. "Apologise to your mother right now!"

"Why should I?" Asked Bart.

"Just do as your mother says, boy!" Said Homer, holding his hands near Bart's neck threateningly.

"Er, Dad. Shouldn't we be heading to the TV studio now?" Lisa pointed out.

"Relax, Lisa. There's plenty of time!"

"It's 16:45!" Lisa said, looking at a Malibu Stacey pocket watch she had just taken out of her pocket.

"Oh no. We're going to be late!" Panicked Homer, rushing to the car in a hurry. "Quick, get in!"

They had barely entered the car when Homer put his foot down hard, causing the family Sedan to travel down the road at such speed that the tyres left a flame trail behind them.


	4. Chapter 4: Let the chapter meet the four

The Simpsons hurried into the studio just as the show was about to start. Marge ran towards a empty podium with a light placed on it's front. The studio consisted of around ten of these podiums, of which a woman stood behind each one. Behind them was a couple of screens showing the show's logo. Homer noticed Paddy McGuinness stood in the centre of the stage as he made his way backstage.

"Let the hello meet the I'm Paddy McGuinness!" He said. "Let the and meet the welcome to Take Me In. The dating show that puts together the birds and the bees(members of the audience quickly began to cringe). Now, let tonight's women meet our first contestant Artie Ziff!"

* * *

The screens began to show a young man with black curly hair and rimless glasses stood in front of a small stage, red curtains drawn in front.

"Hello, I'm Artie Ziff from Springfield," He spoke. "And I am the former owner of Ziff Corp. But all you really need to know about me is that I'm awesome. Take it away, boys!"

Two men wearing smart business suits pulled the curtains open to reveal two actors on stage. One playing Artie and the other Lord Sugar. Lord Sugar was sat behind a small wooden desk on a black computer chair. Artie approached Lord Alan confidently, carrying a large briefcase and wearing a smart black suit. He strode arrogantly behind the desk and turned to face Lord Alan.

"Take that, Lord Alan!" Shouted Artie as he kicked him roughly in the shin.

Lord Alan clutched his shin in pain and exclaimed "You are so fired!"

The wooden desk disappeared and a background of the white house appeared as Lord Alan left the stage and an actor playing Barack Obama entered.

Artie hit him roughly across the head with the briefcase and said "Who has the most power over America now, Obama?"

This time the background changed to show Buckingham Palace and as Barack Obama left, a actor playing the Queen walked on stage right, with a group of Corgis joining Artie from the left side of the stage.

Artie pointed at the Queen and the Corgis attacked her viciously.

"I'm the royalty around here, Queenie!" Artie said.

The curtains were pulled across the stage by the two men as the real Artie smiled into the camera.

"So remember, ladies. You'll never find anyone better than me,"

* * *

"So, let's welcome onto the stage, Artie Ziff!" said Paddy McGuinness as Artie walked on-stage."Ouch! Only one light on. So, Lucy. Why would you like to date Artie?"

A long, black-haired woman with braces, wearing a shirt which read 'I fangirl over everything',smiled back at Paddy as she said "OMG! He's like so hot! I want to lick his nipples!"

"Who wouldn't?" Artie asked, casting a suggestive glance at Marge. "Why didn't you pick me, Marge? There's nobody more loveable than me,"

"Because you're so obsessed with yourself!" Marge shouted furiously. "All you think about is you! YOU YOU YOU!"

"Well, it's certainly kicking off tonight. You know what I say? Let the cat meet the meow!" Paddy said unhelpfully, then turned to face a man carrying a clipboard. "Who writes this stuff? This autocue is worse than a Chris Chibnall script!"

"OMG, how dare you criticise something I like!" Lucy screeched at Marge, sounding like a distressed whale run over by a tractor. "ATTACK HER, FANDOM BRIGADE!"

A group of female teenagers with the same long hairstyle ran on stage, armed with mobile phones showing pictures of Artie Ziff facepalming. They began to draw closer to Marge, surrounding her in a circle and beginning to close in as Marge fell to the ground vulnerably.

"You will become like us," They chanted.

"Well well, Marge. Are you going to fall for my irresistible charms?"


	5. Chapter 5: The health of a fangirl

"Now, let's move onto round two as we find out just what talents Artie Ziff has," Said Paddy McGuinness as the fandom brigade were dragged roughly off-stage by security guards. "So, Artie. Show us your talent!"

"Well, I suppose you could say my strongest talent is falling in love with myself!"

Artie Ziff wrapped his hands into a tight hug around himself and held passionately to his own body, fidgeting with extreme comfort in his light grip.

"Oh, Artie," He muttered out loud to himself, before putting on a impression of Marge saying the exact same words.

"OMG, He's like so adorable. I love him, I love him, I love him!" Shouted Lucy, jumping up and down behind her podium in glee.

Marge rolled her eyes.

"Oh, please. Even I can hug my own body,"

Marge walked towards the front of the stage as if to make a point and began to awkwardly place her hands around her skinny build. She wriggled uncomfortably for a few minutes, a patch of sweat beginning to form on her green skirt.

"You are so full of yourself," Lucy said disapprovingly. "Get a life, you loser,"

"Well, that's the end of round two. One light still left on. Artie, she's more enthusiastic about you than Justin Bieber is about drugs!" Paddy quipped.

Artie laughed confidently.

"She has taste, Paddy. Something the rest of these women don't have,"

"But will she still want to be yours after round three? Well, let's find out as we say a big hearty welcome to the Ziff family!"

* * *

Appearing on the screens were a family of four similar-looking people; an elderly man in his 80's with glistening white curly hair, a similar-aged elderly woman with long white hair and braces and a young, nervous-looking man with straight black hair and black rimless glasses. All three were wearing 'I love Artie' shirts and were grouped together in front of a large pile of money with white paper sticking out on a small white stick, labelled 'From Artie'.

"Artie has just one belief. Himself," Said the elderly man.

The video faded out as the show's logo returned.

* * *

Paddy rolled his eyes and yawned. How many times did he need to know the guy loves himself? It felt strangely like he was witnessing a repetitive joke in a Fanfiction story written by an eighteen year old.

"Still one light left on. That means that Artie, Lucy is automatically your date-to-be!"

"Oh my god, YES!" Shouted Lucy as she punched the air, before finding herself struggling to breath and collapsing to the floor.

* * *

A few hours later, Bart and Lisa watched in the audience as a small group of doctors ran on stage and carried Lucy off-stage on a stretcher.

"Geez, first Krusty the Clown falls on ice, now a screaming young woman desperate for fame faints on a dating show. This place is cursed!" Bart murmured.

Maggie, sat to the right of Bart on Lisa's knees, took out her pacifier and said in reply "Well, you know what they say. Let the fan meet the hospital bed!"

"Nobody says that!" Lisa protested.

"Correction: it is a commonly used meme on Mallifrey Base," Said Comic Book Guy, sat in a seat directly in front.

"Whatever. Let's just watch the show," Said Bart, who felt completely alienated from the world of nerdy conversations.


End file.
